Understanding Each Other: How I’m Helping My Neurodivergent Child Navigate Emotions

As a neurodivergent parent raising a neurodivergent child, I’ve learned that communication is everything. One of the biggest challenges we’ve faced is my son’s tendency to see things in black and white. He struggles to navigate the gray areas of life, especially when it comes to understanding roles, emotions, and how our actions affect each other.

At one point, he would say I was “mean” because I’m the one who directs the day—making sure everything runs smoothly, everyone is safe, and that responsibilities are met. Meanwhile, his dad, who has a more playful and relaxed approach, didn’t get labeled the same way. This difference in perception used to upset me until I realized that he wasn’t being intentionally unfair—he was just trying to make sense of our family dynamics with the tools he had.

Explaining Roles to Build Understanding

I decided to sit down with my son and explain the roles each of us plays in the family. I told him how we all contribute differently: dad gets up with them early in the morning and makes them breakfast, while I am responsible for getting them dressed, hair combed, teeth brushed and out the door. Over time, this conversation helped him reframe his perspective.

One day, he surprised me by saying to his brother, “Mom’s not being mean; she just is responsible for making sure we are ready for the day.” Hearing him say that felt like a breakthrough. Understanding that my actions came from care, not cruelty, allowed him to see me in a more balanced way.

Breaking the Cycle of Reactivity

There are also moments when emotions run high, and we both feel triggered. Sometimes, he’ll proactively lash out at me because he’s holding onto tension from a previous disagreement or because we’re both on edge. It’s in these moments that I’ve learned an important truth: Lose the battle to win the connection.

Instead of escalating, I take a deep breath and say something like:

“Hey, I’m glad you love spending time with Dad, but it’s not okay to speak to me like this. If I did something to upset you, I’d love to talk about it. I love you, and it hurts me when you’re mean to me.”

By modeling the kind of language I want him to use, I’m showing him how to navigate conflict with empathy. I want him to understand how his words impact others and how to express his feelings without causing harm.

The Power of Empathy and Curiosity

Approaching my son with empathy has changed the way we communicate. Instead of reacting to his anger with more anger, I try to model curiosity. I ask questions like, “What’s really bothering you?” or “Why do you feel this way?” This approach has encouraged him to do the same.

Now, when I react impulsively or raise my voice, he’s more likely to ask me questions about my feelings rather than escalate the situation. Teaching him the language of emotions has been one of the most powerful tools in helping us connect.

Giving Words to Feelings

Both my son and I are neurodivergent, and one of the best things we’ve done is give language to how we’re feeling in the moment. When I name my emotions, it helps him do the same. If I say, “I’m feeling frustrated because this isn’t going the way I planned,” it gives him a blueprint to express his own emotions.

This practice of naming emotions and modeling calm communication is helping him understand that feelings are valid, but they don’t have to control us. It’s not always easy—some days are harder than others—but it’s worth it.

A Final Thought

Raising a neurodivergent child as a neurodivergent parent is a journey of empathy, patience, and constant learning. I’ve found that helping my son understand roles, giving him language for his emotions, and modeling the behavior I want to see has created a deeper connection between us.

If there’s one thing I’d want him—and all neurodivergent kids—to know, it’s this: You’re not broken. You’re learning. And we’re in this together.

Let’s approach each other with curiosity, compassion, and the understanding that we’re all doing our best.

Sending warm hugs 🤗

Jamie