Learning to Love the Quirks: A Letter to the Mom of a Socially Awkward ADHD Girl

Hey there,

I read your post, and my heart went out to you—not just because I can see how much you love your daughter, but because I see so much of my younger self in her. As someone with ADHD who grew up socially awkward, I know what it’s like to want so badly to connect with others but feel like you’re constantly misfiring. And I know how painful it is to watch someone you love struggle with that, especially when all you want to do is protect her from the hurt.

First, let me tell you something I wish someone had told my parents when I was her age: She’s not broken. She’s quirky, yes, but she’s also amazing just as she is.

The Spiral of Shame

The behavior you’re describing—awkward jokes, escalating goofiness, trying too hard—feels all too familiar. I can almost see her in that moment, sensing the disconnect with her peers and trying desperately to bridge the gap. And I know how quickly that can spiral.

When we feel that disconnect, it triggers an almost automatic reaction in ADHD brains: anxiety, followed by an attempt to fix the situation. But instead of calming down, we tend to go into overdrive. We talk more, we get louder, and we try harder—often making the situation worse.

What I also know is this: the spiral doesn’t start with the peers pulling away. It starts with shame.

As ADHD girls, we’re often hyperaware of when we’re “not measuring up.” We feel it in the way people look at us, the way they back away, or the way they don’t invite us back. And when we feel like we’re not enough, we overcompensate. But the harder we try, the worse it gets—and that just adds more shame.

Why Your Acceptance Matters More Than Anything

You mentioned trying to coach her on matching energy and pulling her aside in the moment. And while I know it’s coming from a place of love, I also want to gently say this: the most important thing you can do for her isn’t teaching her to “tone it down.” It’s showing her that you love her exactly as she is.

The biggest issue for ADHD girls isn’t awkwardness—it’s the shame and guilt we carry for not meeting social expectations. If she feels like even you, her safe place, are embarrassed by her quirks, that shame will grow. It will push her further into that spiral, and it will make her feel like she has to work even harder to be someone she’s not.

But if she knows—really knows—that you think she’s great because of her quirks, not in spite of them, it changes everything. It gives her the confidence to stand in her own skin and say, “This is me.” And when she has that confidence, it’s easier to handle those moments when others don’t get her.

Finding Her People

Here’s the good news: Your daughter already has two friends she connects with organically, and that’s a huge win. Chances are, those kids are a little quirky themselves, and they’ve found a rhythm that works. Those are her people. Those are the ones who will love her for exactly who she is.

Friendships don’t need to be abundant—they just need to be authentic. Focus on fostering the relationships she has with the kids who “get” her. And if that means being the house where everyone gathers, so be it. As someone who spent a lot of time in one-sided invites as a kid, I can tell you that being the host is sometimes the best way to ensure your child gets the social connection she craves.

What She Needs to Hear from You

As her mama, your words and actions carry so much weight. Here’s what she needs to hear from you:

• “You’re amazing, exactly as you are.”

• “I love your quirks—they make you special.”

• “You don’t need to change who you are for anyone.”

When she knows that you see her awkwardness as a strength, not a flaw, she’ll start to believe it, too. And when she believes it, she’ll feel less pressure to “perform” and more freedom to just be herself.

A Note About the Future

If you’re worried about how she’ll navigate social dynamics as she gets older, I’d recommend looking into the Berkeley Girls with ADHD Longitudinal Study. This research highlights how ADHD can affect girls’ self-esteem and social relationships over time, but it also emphasizes the importance of support and self-acceptance in overcoming those challenges.

Your daughter doesn’t need to be like everyone else to thrive. She just needs to know she’s loved for who she is—and that her quirks, her big personality, her “awkward” moments—are what make her uniquely wonderful.

You’re doing an amazing job, and so is she. Keep showing her love and acceptance, and trust that her tribe will find her. In the meantime, remind her that she’s enough, exactly as she is.

With love,

Someone Who’s Been There